I’ve been really struggling with this post. I’m sure that’s why it’s nearly two months late.

When I sit to write, I find myself reliving bad work memories and regurgitating lessons from previous years.  It’s been tough to figure out what exactly has changed over the last year, but I’ve also learned a lot.  I’m so much calmer and less reactive. So here are a few thoughts. 

Reclaiming my time power

One big lesson for the year has been about intentionally and purposefully reclaiming my power.  What do I mean by “power”? So many things. I mean emotional resilience. My cup is full. Physical energy. Mental energy. Will power. 

Do I feel as though I could get things done? Do I feel able to achieve my goals? 

I repurposed a mood tracker that to have “power levels” instead of moods earlier this year.  

Twice a day, I check in: Am I at 100%? 75%? 50%? 25%, or heaven help us, 0%? 

If I’m at 50% or lower, I devote my effort not to whatever problem is in front of me, which I previously would have thrown myself at. I devote myself to getting above 50%. Maybe I need a snack, or a break. Maybe I need to go to bed early. The power level will recover on its own, but it’s slow. And I sure can drag myself through the muck for a few days if I’m not paying attention. 

This has helped me focus on letting go of anger and frustration as quickly as I can. It means finding the places where I can affect a situation instead of feeling helpless. I meditate every morning, and I decide where I will put my energy for the day. Meditation gives me the emotional clarity to notice when I’ve given my power away to someone else (often it looks like worrying about what they’ll think or do).  Sometimes it looks extremely esoteric and involves cleansing myself of psychic hooks left by others. 

But as a Very Active Person, it’s uncomfortable to just sit here with a full battery. Shouldn’t I be using this battery up? Shouldn’t I be DOING HARD THINGS? Dragging myself over the finish line half-dead?

No. What I need now is to make it over the long haul. I’m working on a very long book project.  I need to keep myself happy and productive enough to finish the book. And I need to succeed at my job to stay financially stable. So I need to keep this battery charged. 

If I’m at 75% or 100%, everything is easier. I get more done. When I get to 50% or below, I get gloomy and panic.  Not a good place. I get restless and I look to make big changes–but the grass is plenty green right here. 

Just yesterday I finally self-diagnosed as burned out. I’ve been resisting the term, because every Millennial ever is going around complaining about burnout. But even straightforward work problems were hard for me to solve because I felt so disconnected and low energy at work. It’s like this power meter I’ve been tracking would top out at about 60%. What I thought was 100% was much, much lower. 

I’m burned out. Which means I can also work on un-burning-out. This state of affairs doesn’t have to continue forever. Woo!

The dark side of the moon coin

My paid work life and my artist work life have long been two sides of the same coin, and I’ve just been flipping the coin to one side or the other.  You can probably trace which side is up if you read the last ten years of these posts. The side that’s up gets all the attention. 

Over the last year, I put the coin artist-side-up. I feel much more balanced and happy than I did before. But the side that’s down withers and gets poisonous. 

So I’m digging. Doing some shadow work, if you will. Embracing the fact that I spend much of my time on the side that’s face down, no matter how hard I try to pretend it’s All Art All The Time. How can I shift from being a coin, which will naturally always have a down side, to some other configuration? Maybe a moon with cycles? I don’t know.

The work I’ve done to put my artist life in the sun has been immeasurably useful.  And maybe some day I’ll be in a position that there’s not another side to the coin.  But I doubt it — even big famous authors still have to do the bullshit.  

So here I am. Ten years in. Still figuring it out. Dealing with burnout, aligning with the things I value, and keeping myself afloat for the long haul.

Year 9 | Year 8 | Year 7 | Year 6 | Year 5 | Year 4 | (Years 1-3 seem to be lost to the ether.)