There have been two opportunities that, at this time last year, I said: Tara, you’re doing this in 2020. 

One is a local performance festival called Hear Here, where I’d be writing poetry & making a soundscape in collaboration with a choreographer I don’t know yet. The other is Creative Capital, only a massive and very influential award of $50,000 for weird art. 

But I decided not to apply to both. I’m beginning to really feel the pinch of how little time I really have to write.  I have realized that I’m not lazy or disorganized; I just don’t have all that much time to give. So I am working to be as effective with the time I do have as I can be.  And that means turning down something even if it sounds fun, achievable, and likely to result in the creation of more art. 

(Confession: Even as I write this, my mind is making excuses for why I should apply to both.)

I applied for Creative Capital last year, and although I didn’t get past the first round, I found the experience illuminating. It gave me the opportunity to outline what I’d really really like to do if I had all the resources I need to get it done. And in the time since I wrote that grant application, I’ve begun work on The Neighborhood, which is a smaller variant of what I proposed. And in doing so, it’s become obvious both that I really want to do the bigger project and that I have so, so much to learn.  So I’m going to take a year away from the application process to let myself focus on finishing the Neighborhood. 

Saying no is hard. My brain weasels tell me I’m not trying hard enough. But the work-in-progress limits mean something, dammit. So I’m going to let these opportunities slide and see what new thing blossoms in their place.